So many kinds of missing. There is my new and expensive pair of tweezers that are missing, and my berry blush. Things I cannot find, although I remember buying them. Sometimes I find things that are missing in the back of the car, having escaped from the bag they were in. I have been missing my PAM spray that I knew I bought and couldn’t find, and is now resting on the floor of the 3rd row of my SUV. I miss clothes that are lost in my closet, and I am still missing one of my favorite shoes.
Then there is the missing of people and animals. My middle sister and I used to be close, but for reasons known only to her, we are now distant and she is cold to me. I miss that relationship, but I guess she didn’t value our relationship. I miss friends and family members who have died. I particularly miss my uncle who was always a hoot to talk to, and hearing his stories about animals he was feeding or trying to help. When he died, so many of his friends told me how much they would miss him because he always listened to them. I still miss my grandmother, although she died 38 years ago. She told me a lot of things that she was right about, and there are still so many questions I would like to ask her. I miss our German Shorthaired Pointer that died this year – his hard headedness and his affection. And I still miss all the cats that I had, each one with their personalities and their grievances. A couple that would be in my lap if I even looked like I might sit down.
I miss my younger body. I used to be able to withstand amazing amounts of stress, and activity and never feel the effects. I miss the way clothes used to fit. I miss joints that didn’t crack and a back that didn’t ache. I miss my gall bladder now that I know its absence is one of the reasons for my digestive woes. No one ever told me that having it out would result in digestive issues before I had it out. I miss the days when I went to the Doctor and they said “see you in a year” instead of “there is one other thing”. I’ve always been near sighted, but I miss the time when “near” was further out than it is now. And I miss the days that I didn’t have to repeat everything three times to my husband, who is now severely hearing impaired. I miss being able to go to restaurants with him and actually talking, before back ground sounds and other people’s conversations overwhelm anything I might say. And I miss going into a room and actually remembering why I walked into it, instead of having to apologize to the dogs that I created a false alarm.
Most of all, I miss a past that doesn’t really exist except in my mind’s eye. The longing for holidays that were warm and comforting, instead of my mother drunk and trying to start a fight, not to mention the excitement of thinking about what Santa might bring. I definitely miss the farm set my grandparents bought me one year from the Sears Catalog. I miss the fun of picking out just the right thing for someone, and then actually wrapping it in pretty paper with a big bow, instead of stashing it into a gift bag. And I actually miss the years when present didn’t mean a gift card, because everyone already has more stuff than they know what to do with. And I miss happily anticipating a new year, instead of just wanting this one to be over, and wondering with trepidation what the new one will bring. And I miss that I missed turning 60 having forgotten an entire year, still thinking I was 59. (My husband accused me of just wanting to lie about my age).
But thankfully, I can still walk out on the porch and see a random crane, or hear an owl or the wind blowing through the pine trees. And I can still see the dogs racing across the yard, and listen to them bay when they have something treed. It almost makes up for all my missing.